Party like Dustin Hoffman

Posted on May 10, 2013 by mikeg

Classes are growing cumbersome. Sunglasses and sandals have multiplied. Spring fever is spreading. A light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible. That guy with the Adult Swim T-shirt whom no one talked to for the past 4 years is now looking pretty good to all the ladies once they have see how many great jobs he’s being offered. The tides of graduation are upon us. It’s time to celebrate.

Graduating college means it’s time for graduation parties. Coincidentally, it also means consummation, pride, maturity, evolution, and hope. Nevertheless, mostly, it means parties.

There are bound to be a myriad of controlled substance fueled barnburners around graduation day. Everyone has a friend with a name like Timbo or Animal that is renting a houseboat or a cabin or a hotel suite and packing it so full of booze and metaphorical barrels of gunpowder that the party will be a night no one can forget or remember.

When it comes to planning one’s graduation party it’s important to make it meaningful and classy. Let Timbo be an animal. Throw the kind of party an adult who just became learned would throw.

Here are some tips on how to party like a grownup.

Invites

The graduation party should also honor those who supported the graduate. Celebrate those who are just as happy about this accomplishment as the graduate is. This means grandparents, aunts, moms, dads, and anyone who ever helped pay your bills. It’s also important to invite a few close friends, as for most, college was an adventure shared more by friends then family. Just don’t forget to invite Nana before you invite the guy that got his nickname from smashing bottles on his own head.

Venue

Save some cash by throwing the party at home or save on calories spent by throwing the party at a restaurant or a bar. This depends on budget and opportunity cost. If the expendable cash is available then go for a yacht. Yacht parties are the best.

Nosh

It’s a party. Don’t skimp on the shrimp. Don’t botch the nosh. Don’t swerve on the hors d’oeuvre. Don’t relax on the snacks. Don’t rhyme too much or people will get jealous of how good you are at it. Also, those little cocktail weenies in the sweet, spicy sauce are the business- buy tons of those.

Remember, people want to eat, it fills up awkward gaps in conversation.

Go easy on the spirits. That’s important. If your family likes to drink then by all means get some cocktails and some wine going but try not to puke on Nana. Alcohol will literally damage the cells of the very brain you just spent thousands of dollars educating.

Here is a list of things one might want to consider when throwing a graduation party:

Hall and Oates. It’s almost impossible to have that many hits.
Pie instead of cake. Cake is easier to decorate but pie has more vitamins in it. (This statement has not been approved by the FDA or Be in the Know).
If your parents are divorced make sure that they are both invited but don’t put them at the same table. Unless they want to be at the same table. In that case, you should listen to them because they are your parents and they are older then you. So put them at the same table already. Geez.
Take pictures!
Wear the cap and gown during the entire party and never take it off. Continually remind people that just because it’s a gown don’t mean you’re not a boy. If you are a girl, say the same thing.
Do NOT summon the Graduation Gnomes.
Thank you notes, thank you notes, thank you notes. This is important, polite, mature, and the right thing to do.
If you have any mind blowing secrets or news to surprise the family with- seconds after blowing out the candles on your graduation pie- is the perfect time to do it.

Rage N’ Remember

Posted on May 3, 2013 by mikeg

I don’t remember a thing. I woke up under a tree at Rancho. I lost my phone. I lost my keys. I lost my girlfriend. I lost my job. I lost a tooth. I don’t remember doing that. I don’t remember spending $300. I can’t believe I spent $300 on drinks. What? It was only $120 on drinks? $180 went to betting on bum fights?

These phrases can be heard almost every weekend in a college party town like Reno. It seems that only damaging fruits are harvested from a night of binge drinking. Bridges are burned, legal fees are acquired, and secrets are formed and shamefully buried.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have fun without massive shame and guilt weighing down on the feeble structure in one’s mind that was once a mighty palace of self-respect?

It is possible. It is totally possible to have fun with out walks of shame or nights in jail. It’s pretty easy too. It’s called partying sober.

Take this advice:

Dance sober, you’re better at it that way.

Kiss sober, you’re better at it that way (and a heckuva lot less likely to kiss someone you’ll regret… like the guy in the beanie during summer time who has the chin strap Amish style beard).

Ask a girl for her number sober, that way you’ll avoid using words like, “Pound Town.”

Be in the Know, the Joe and N-Rap understand that partying sober might not be every college student’s perfect idea of a fun time. That’s why we’re all collaborating to put together an event that is packed so full of fun time that the soberest of sobers will walk away from this thing with a head full of great memories that will actually be remembered.

The event is called Rage n’ Remember. There will be live music, a car that everyone will be allowed to purposely vandalize (great fun for people who tend to Hulk out while on the sauce to vent some of those inner demons in a healthier fashion), Sumo wrestling, water guns, water balloons, fashion gear from Partysober and it’s all FREE.

Now that the details have been skimmed over it’s time to talk about the real deal main attraction:

Bodawgs is giving away free food!!! If you haven’t tried these juicy dogs then you literally haven’t lived. You have been a mere hologram of existence, walking around without meaning. These dogs are the best you’ll ever have. So dig in.

Going Second and Weston Buck will be playing live jams so bring some rugs to cut.

Everything gets going at 6pm tonight (May 3, 2013) in front of the Joe Crowley Student Union on campus at UNR.

University of Nevada, Reno holds Second Annual Traffic and Safety Forum April 24

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Beinthek

Student and community input encouraged, noon-1 p.m. at Joe Crowley Student Union during April’s Distracted Driving Awareness Month; free food and raffle prizes available

RENO, Nev. – The University of Nevada, Reno will host a Traffic and Safety Forum for both the campus community and the community at-large from noon-1 p.m., April 24, in the Joe Crowley Student Union’s Ballroom A on the fourth floor. April is nationally recognized as Distracted Driving Awareness Month, and this is the second annual forum on campus that allows for discussion of laws, problem areas and what local agencies are doing to promote safety on the University campus and its surrounding community. Concerns, suggestions and input are encouraged.

“It’s a continuing concern for us that motorists and pedestrians stay alert, obey posted speed limits and traffic laws, and use caution while traveling through adjacent roads or on the campus,” said University Chief of Police Services Adam Garcia. “We are happy to partner with many community organizations and agencies to hold this event for the second year in a row and provide a time for the campus community and public to voice concerns and offer their input.”

In addition to University Police Services and a number of University departments, other agencies involved with the forum are the Nevada Department of Transportation, Nevada Highway Patrol, Nevada Office of Traffic Safety, Regional Transportation Commission (RTC), Reno Police Department, students from the Davidson Academy, Campus Cycling Coalition and others. The forum is funded in part by the Nevada Department of Public Safety’s Office of Traffic Safety, RTC and the Associated Students of the University of Nevada, Reno (ASUN). Wendy Damonte, KTVN Channel 2 news anchor, will moderate the forum.

“Safety on and around campus is of utmost concern to the University,” said University President Marc Johnson. “We are committed to providing students, staff and faculty with the information, services and programs that will help us all be knowledgeable participants in basic crime prevention and safety practices.”

Agencies represented will briefly present information on their safety efforts during the past year, current projects and future plans. The RTC will review projects completed in the area and present future plans for area streets and additional crosswalks. Troopers from the Nevada Highway Patrol will discuss their concentrated enforcement efforts on pedestrian and crosswalk violations over the next several weeks. The University Police Department will discuss its partnership with the 11- to 17-year-old gifted students at the Davidson Academy, located on campus, to improve pedestrian safety around campus. The motto of this program, created by the Davidson students is, “Look Up, Unplug, Stay Safe.”

Free food has been donated by the RTC and ASUN, and raffle items such as an iPad, bicycles donated by the Reno Sparks Kiwanis Bike Program, helmets and more will be available. There will be informational displays and handouts, and agency representatives will be on hand to answer questions.

Public parking will be available on the top floor of the West Stadium Parking Complex, north of Lawlor Events Center on North Virginia Street.

For more information or to contact University Police Services, go to www.unr.edu/police.

# # #

Nevada’s land-grant university founded in 1874, the University of Nevada, Reno has an enrollment of 18,000 students and is ranked in the top tier of the nation’s best universities. Part of the Nevada System of Higher Education, the University has the system’s largest research program and is home to the state’s medical school. With outreach and education programs in all Nevada counties and with one of the nation’s largest study-abroad consortiums, the University extends across the state and around the world. For more information, visit www.unr.edu.

Media Contact:
Natalie Savidge
Senior Media Relations Specialist
University Media Relations
775-784-4611 phone
nsavidge@unr.edu
Media newsroom: http://newsroom.unr.edu

Run Don’t Crawl 5k/10k

Posted on April 18, 2013 by mikeg

Alcohol is a perfectly legal substance that can be acquired by anyone just about anywhere. Booze is celebrated for its soothing and sometimes curative effects in small doses. It is widely tolerated by society and supposedly only used by adults. However, alcohol seems to be consumed in irresponsible excess. Not since the Great Carrot Nun massacre of 1780, during which 23 elderly nuns beat each other into demise with small billy clubs fashioned from carrots*, has such a readily available and acceptable substance been misused so abhorrently.

An adult 21 years of age or older has every right to enjoy an alcoholic beverage. One drink here or there has rarely caused harm. The issues with alcohol abuse arise when it is consumed in immoderation. Like when Moon Citizen #197 Alpha drank the Power Hour and accidently steered the moon into Earth, destroying what used to be called the Great Wall and Domed Ceiling of China*. There are kids over seas trying to ingest booze through their eyeholes and blinding themselves in the process. Here on domestic soil some of our future world leaders have been ingesting it through much smellier and less attractive holes, which have resulted with instances of death. Come on people, get our collective head (or bottle of Popov) out of our proverbial collective hoo-ha’s.

Don’t worry kids, Be In The Know is here to show you that there are healthy ways to have fun that don’t involve destroying brain cells.

The Run Don’t Crawl 5k/10k is approaching. Come support our cause to educate about and fight against the misuse and abuse of alcohol. There will be multiple sponsors around town setting up fun and optional obstacles for the race. Also, there will be swag, people. SHWAG! We’re talking bags full of free stuff including some sweet T-shirts.

Running is better then butt chugging and it always will be. The previous statement is not a motto endorsed (officially) by Be in the Know, but it is catchy so I’m going with it.

The Run Don’t Crawl 5k/10k will be on April 27, 2013 from 9am-1pm. Sign in and registration will begin at 8am. Click here for more details. Or “deets” as Ben Franklin used to call them.*

*All statements followed by an * are lies. That’s right! “Made-ups” made-ups for whimsy’s sake!

Pranked!

Posted on April 1, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, adolescent beluga, gangster rapper, meat enthusiast, bartender, Steven Seagal clone, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, 34% clown shoes, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

Pranked!

As April Fool’s Day awakes from a year of slumber it finds its hand soaking in a bowl of room temperature water and lying in a puddle of yesterday’s Capri-Sun. April Fool’s Day tries to open its eyes but there is far too much shaving cream piled high on its surprised brow. And just as April Fool’s Day wipes its face to notice that one eye brow is shaved clean, and starts thinking that today’s kids have gone too far, Ol’ Fool’s Day rolls over to find the horse’s head that lies beneath the covers.

“What have I started?” Thinks April Fool’s. “This is spinning out of control.”

What fun the first of April can be! What luck to be of college student age and have access to other college student aged roommates! It’s time for some pranks, kids. College is the last stretch of life that is devoid of serious responsibility. Sure, responsibilities lie in thesis projects, community service, or perhaps employment of some sort. Sure there is responsibility inherent in partying safely or protecting oneself from getting or spreading unhealthy vibes (both of semblance and of wanton behavior). However, know that after college it is going to be much more difficult to get away with drawing a Sharpee dong on your roommate’s girlfriend while she’s passed out on the couch.

It is time to take advantage of what could be your last great April Fool’s Day.

(Editor’s Note: Be In The Know is an organization rooted in the philosophy of healthy living for UNR students. Responsible, wholesome, healthy living.) That being said here is a healthy, wholesome, responsible list of instructions one may use to prank his or her friends this first of April.

First and foremost it is very important that upon the completion of each prank that the prankster jump out and yell, “PRANKED!” This will provide for the prankster a sense of pride as well as the feeling of being on an actual television prank show. Try changing the verb, prank, into the name of the prankster, for a more personal touch. For example, a Frank would yell, “You’ve been Franked!”

A Rihanna would yell, “You’ve been Rihanna’d!”

(Editor’s Note: Only use Rihanna’d if your name is Rihanna. Otherwise, shy away from using the pop culture reference. It is NOT a prank nor is it funny to smack people in the eye socket and yell that they have been Rihanna’d. So once again: Rihanna’d – not funny).

Prank Idea #1:

If you have a roommate that takes too long in the shower each morning, try this one. Wait for your roomy to get in the shower and allow enough time for him or her to lather up nicely, as soapy eyes hinder vision, thereby adding to the effect of this prank. Once Roomy is soaped up nicely and has developed a false sense of security, burst into the bathroom blaring the air raid song from Apocalypse Now at high volume and dump 35 chinstrap penguins directly on his or her head. The feelings that will envelope your roomy will be akin to a heart attack. Hilarious! Pranked!

Mr. Popper's Pranks.

Prank Idea #2:

For this prank you’re going to need the help of a quantum physician. If you have a coworker who is always drinking out of a water bottle or coffee mug that they bring from home, then this prank is for you. Keep an eye on your coworker and pay attention to when they might leave their mug or bottle unattended. Slyly sneak to their desk and grab that bottle. Bring the bottle back to your cubicle (or a mop closet, anywhere private will do). Open the bottle, dump out a little bit of its contents and add one to two alternate universes. When you’re coworker opens that Nalgene for swig of filtered H2O, they are going to melt from the brain outward, as their feeble mind tries to comprehend all of that unbridled truth! Hilarious! Pranked!

Prank Idea #3

This one is the least complicated of the three. Simply replace your roommate’s feet with Savion Glover feet. They will wake up and look soooo stupid when they are trying to not be good at tap dancing but instead they are super good at tap dancing! LOL! Pranked!

Finally, here is a picture of only one hot dog.

PRANKED!! Haha! There's 3 hot dogs, dummy!

(Editor’s Note: All of these ideas are dumb and not condoned by Be In The Know)

St. Patrick’s Day: the day.

Posted on March 15, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, gangster rapper, meat enthusiast, ex-leprechaun, bartender, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, dirty mick, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

St. Patrick’s Day: the day.

St. Patrick’s Day has some sort of historical relevance. The Irish seem to be partial to it. There is probably a person or two out there who know the real origin of this holiday. The significance of this celebration has drastically changed since its inception. I’m not sure what the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day was but unless Patrick was the saint of puking at noon, I’m pretty sure time has changed a few things.

There is no way around it St. Patrick’s Day is now the day of indulgence. It’s the day when everyone drinks disgusting amounts of alcohol and turns a blind eye to public intoxication, public upchucking, and public napping.

It’s a party and everybody drinks like they’re Irish (yes, that’s a racial stereotype. It became a stereotype because of the insane amount of alcohol that most Irish people consume).

Reno is a city where the folk drink a bit different. In other words, Reno idles at St. Patrick’s Day level drinking year round, then on St. Patrick’s Day, Reno steps it up and gets real. That makes St. Patrick’s Day in Reno, extra fun and extra dangerous.

The best way to stay safe and out of trouble is to not get overly intoxicated, especially while in public. However, this is St. Paddy’s Day, so there’s virtually no stopping it. Here are some tips (or advice, based on true experience) on how to stay safe and stay out of trouble on St. Patrick’s Day in Reno, Nevada.

Don’t drive. This is a night where everyone on the road is going to be operating motor vehicles on gasoline and car bombs. The roads will be covered in drunk drivers and RPD, two things you’re going to want to avoid. The morning after St. Patrick’s Day is great time to play DUI Bingo. That’s when you drive through the North Valleys and yell bingo every time you see a car parked on a sidewalk, on a front lawn, or inside of a wall. Everything worth seeing in public on St. Paddy’s is walking distance or a $7 cab ride, so don’t risk Mad Maxing it with all the other drunkards on the roads. Oh! Here’s another reason not to drive. Free buses!!!!!!

2. Don’t run over anyone on the Leprechaun Chase. That’s the Paddy’s Day 5k. There will be people running around Wells Avenue and most of them will be drunk. I have no way to prove that last statement but look at the factors: St. Patrick’s Day, Reno, people taking the day off of work. They’re going to be drunk. These people are choosing to do something healthy with their day drinking so don’t heckle them. They don’t need empty beer cans tossed at their heads causing rolled ankles.

3. Reno Police Department will be EVERYWHERE. Especially on Wells where most of the drinking occurs. These officers don’t have a whole lot of arrestin’ to do year round so they’re itching to arm bar you and hand cuff you to a car. Keep that in mind when that drunken guy with the horrible beard calls you a #@&*!! Your first instinct is going to be to fist wallop that miscreant, however, that would be an awful idea. Walk away. You will get arrested if you fight someone. If a bouncer punches you in the back of the head, walk away. Cops are coming. If a group of misguided male youths in baggy pants with stickers on their hat bills yell at you from across the street, walk away. The bike cop is almost there. If you’re friends are climbing a light pole and/or scaling a fire truck, walk away. The paddy wagon is always a block away. Don’t be dumb. Don’t go to jail.

4. Puking is not a reset button. That means you’re done drinking. Stop it.

5. Eat greasy food and eat lots of it. Greasy food actually slows down the rate at which alcohol is absorbed into the body. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, corned beef, corned beef, and corned beef. Also, all the greasy food and booze is going to ruin your next day. So keep in mind that drinking tons of water throughout the day and night and before you go to sleep (hopefully not in a bush) will make your tomorrow so much better.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Here’s a link to an awesome St. Patrick’s Day movie about Sean Connery and Leprechauns.

Here is a link for some fun St. Paddy’s Day activities on some of our mountains.

Kudos (Not the healthy candy bar)

Posted on March 9, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, gangster rapper, meat enthusiast, bartender, Conan Obrien look a like, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, advocate for the fair treatment of guns, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

Kudos (Not the healthy candy bar)

For years the University of Nevada has passed under the radar of scholarly recognition in the eastern seas of common knowledge. Aside from faculty, students, and alumni, many average Joes, especially those not from the West, are unaware that the UNR is recognized nationally and in some cases globally for their standings in engineering, journalism, Basque studies, and having a huge Starbucks.

In its history the university has turned out some impressive scholars, and I’m not just talking about Javelle McGee.

Recently several University of Nevada, Reynolds School of Journalism, alumni, associates, and professors were recognized in the Reno, News, and Review’s Best of 2012 issue.

Here is my chance to give some other RSJ alumni who didn’t make the RNR’s Best list, some recognition.

Congratulations to Jesse “the Jesse Kebschull” Kebschull. He graduated from the RSJ in 2007 with a degree in journalism with an emphasis on advertising. In 2008, Jesse won the coveted award for Rookie of the Year at Reno Radio Representatives for selling the most air to struggling small businesses. Jesse now resides in Alaska where he no longer works in advertising.

When asked to comment Kebschull said, “I wear an orange jump suit to ride to work in a helicopter.”

Jesse "Breakfast" Kebshull. Look at him go.

Congratulations to Mike Geraghty. Geraghty also graduated from the J School in 2007. Mike spent a couple years after college voicing radio ads and selling Midnight to 6am radio spots to toy stores and local rappers. While working in media sales Geraghty was recognized 6 times for sweating through the collars of his work shirts with impressive clarity. Mike now earns his keep as a freelance blogger, cooler (i.e. Swayze in Road House), and currently boasts that all of his felony charges have been “closed with prejudice.”

Geraghty commented, “I was going to major in gen. ed., or communications but I wasn’t good enough at football.”

Congratulations to Slimmerson Biggens, RSJ graduate 2007. While in college and working on the Integrated Marketing Campaign competition, Slimmerson was hailed a genius for his ability to sneeze out pancakes. Upon entering the real world Mr. Biggins built missiles for NASA or something. Then he grew a mo hawk, quit his job, and drove across country looking for free concerts and bartering for NWA merch. Slimmerson is now a hip, hip cat, living in Golden Gate Park and he owes it all to the Reynolds School of Journalism.

“I learned a lot from the J school, “ said Biggens. “If I would have applied any of it I probably wouldn’t live in a tent.”

Here is an awesome article giving Bob Felten and some other amazing alumni some deserved kudos.

Free Comedy Night

Posted on February 22, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, Autobot, meat enthusiast, bartender, student of origami, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, Fresno boy done grown up, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, cocker spaniel, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

Free Comedy Night

I believe it was Maya Angelou who wrote, “It’s Friday night. I feel all right. The party’s here on the west side, so I reach for my 40 and I drink it up.”

Scholars and poetry aficionados have analyzed the meaning of this quote for quite some time. Some say that it is a metaphor for the celebration or the need that one feels to celebrate the end of a workweek. Others maintain that it is merely homage to Maya Angelou’s high school football days during which she played nose guard for Permian High School in Odessa, Texas.

Those who were closest to Angelou say something different all together. The Situation, Maya’s first husband and star of MTV’s Jersey Shore, says that anyone who knew Maya Angelou as intimately as he, knows that when she wrote those famous words she was in fact referencing Free Comedy Night with Mike Simpson at the Joe Crowley Student Union, located on campus at the University of Nevada.

When Angelou wrote, “It’s Friday night…” it was a symbol representing that Comedy Night is in fact on Friday night, said The Situation. She also referred to it as a party at which she felt alright, he said, meaning that Comedy Night was so much fun that it actually felt like a party. As far as her mentioning the drinking of a 40, The Situation says that drinking is bad for you and Maya Angelou would never have been inferring that she drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor but she was referring to the 1 to 10 number rating that she gives Mike Simpson, the headlining comedian at Comedy Night. Mike Simpson gets a 40 out of 10, Maya Angelou would often say, said The Situation.

In honor of one of the great American poets, Maya Angelou, the Joe Crowley Student Union presents:

Comedy Night at the Joe starring Mike Simpson

The show starts TONIGHT (Friday February 22) at 8pm it is free, it is funny, and it is better then anything else you had planned. So come to the Joe tonight and support a Nevada alum (Simpson) while simultaneously supporting the human need for laughter within yourself.

*Just in case you are a mean person: Maya Angelou never said any of that stuff, nor did The Situation. They didn’t marry each other either. So please don’t sue.

Help with VD

Posted on February 14, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, gangster rapper, meat enthusiast, bartender, professor of womanly love, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, God of Love, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

Help with VD

Women are skipping around with huge smiles. Some are stomping around with furrowed brow. Men are dragging their feet around with a just-dodged-a-bullet look painted on their faces. While some men march with head held high in a stubborn, prideful, I am man façade. Clubs and bars are throwing Black Rose parties, I Hate Cupid crawls, Fire and Ice galas, and Swingin’ Singles shindigs. This can only mean only one thing: some where there is a girl that I didn’t know would be upset today who is very mad at me for forgetting Valentine’s Day.

*Blogger’s note: To women, this blog will serve as a humorous read for you but will be more informative for the men. It will be directed more towards men because men take the brunt of the responsibility on Valentine’s Day, as women are the ones who tend to care more about it. Figures! A day so important to women and most men just don’t care. What jerks, right? Anyway, while you (women) and I think about how dumb guys can be, I’ll do my best to relate to those dumb guys, so that Valentine’s Day can be saved for all.

Hell hath no fury like a women scorned. Scorned because large candy and greeting card corporations told her that unless money was spent on her on this the day honoring execution and drunken Roman orgy festivals then her man-friend is a dud.

Fellas, although Valentine’s Day may be- the most useless, pigeon-holing, and unfair holiday ever made up by people who don’t care about you- of all time, that doesn’t change the fact that today is the day to make your lady happy or angry. It’s up to you.

In case VD snuck up on you (like it has done to so many fine men before you) here are a few ideas that might get you out of the doghouse. (Now there’s an unfitting metaphor. If a man is in trouble he sleeps with the dog. The dog- the most loyal, loving, understanding partner anyone could ever have.

“Oh, you forgot to get me gross candy for Valentine’s Day? Well, that’s OK. You still play with me and feed me on a regular basis. That’s good enough for me to know you care because I’m a dog and my mind operates on interpreting evidence!”)

Get flowers. Although flowers are a bit commonplace in the gift department they still represent caring messages. More importantly they are sold everywhere on Valentine’s Day- 7-11, Safeway, Jorge (on the corner of McCarran and Virginia)- everywhere. This is the fastest way to cover your tracks. Now most women can tell if flowers were ordered from a florist or bought at Texaco, so a supplemental gift is required. Include a card stating the feelings you know that she wants you to have.

Like, I hope you have a good Valentine’s Day, or, I want you to be happy. Don’t get a pre-made Hallymark card. This is important for 2 reasons: 1, a homemade card, as long as it is neat, crisp, and clean looking, conveys a message of thought out deliberation (ladies love thought out deliberation) and 2, as a man it is your duty to spend as little money on VD inventing corporations as possible.

Also, you’re going to have to cook something. Why? Because you wont get a reservation at a restaurant this late and taking you’re girl to Chili’s will only work if you’re girl is cool and understanding or if she ain’t put on shoes fer goin’ out in quite a spell.

When you cook don’t forget to include vegetables, grown-ups eat those. Also, decorate the place. A few rose petals, paper chains, and candles will go a long way (oh, that sexy thought out deliberation). Unlike the home made card, homemade decorations may look childish and ill manufactured. This will make your lady remember how adorable and childlike your brain is (sometimes this works in your advantage).

Here’s an important point: don’t make a coupon book. That’s for your mom. Actually, after age 8, don’t make a coupon book for your mom either, creep.

Here’s a good idea: instead of making a coupon book for free massages, free dinner; free whatever’s, just do it. That means, make her dinner, massage her afterwards, just do everything in the coupon book as if you had a whole evening of romance planned.

If you’re really under the gun, for example, say you work for a living and didn’t have time to hire a violinist. Stop at a Redbox on the way home. Rent the worst movie you can find (it will be a chick flick). Then on your drive home think of 5 facts about your lady that you love (don’t say boobs). When you arrive to your lady, state the 5 facts about her, starting each sentence with, “I adore…” This will make her believe that you wrote her a poem. The best poems don’t rhyme. Present her with the chick flick and say, “Would you like to drink a bottle of wine and watch, Just Friends?” If she say’s yes, you did it! If she say’s no, then say, “Good. Neither do I.” Then dip her where you stand and kiss her slowly, improvise on what comes next.

I hope this helps.

Blogger’s note: To the ladies, if you catch your man doing any of this stuff, then you know he forgot about you.

Laser Tag: America

Posted on February 5, 2013 by mikeg

Be in the Know presents our guest blogger Mike Geraghty. Mike Geraghty is a UNR alumni, writer, comedian, gangster rapper, meat enthusiast, bartender, Golden Tee gold card holder, one of the leading proponents of firm hand shaking, Trekky, self trained and declared expert on alcohol safety, and a pretty decent guy. Furthermore, in no way is Be in the Know in agreement with or in support of and certainly not responsible for the comments written by Mike Geraghty. That being said, we are pleased to present:

Laser Tag: America

“If you’re anything like me then sometimes life gets you down. Also, if you’re anything like me then sometimes when life gets you down you feel like shooting your friend in the face with a laser gun. “

-President Calvin Coolidge (allegedly)

It is an unfair request to ask of a writer to compose a singular work based on laser tag. That’s like giving a young child a birthday party bag filled with unlimited happiness then asking the kid to take a nap. Through apathetic protest I have assembled several ramblings followed by non sequitur musings all of which are themed with the very awesome topic of concentrated light beam trajectories.

Which of the following scenarios makes the student sound more wondrous?

GROWN UP: Hello student. What did you do today?

STUDENT: Oh, I just spent some time studying. Went to the gym for a bit. That’s about all.

Or…

GROWN UP: Hello student. What did you do today?

STUDENT: I was loaded into an arena with several other students at which point I had to blast my way to freedom by cutting down my peers with a laser rifle in an intergalactic hunger games style gauntlet of smoky, cauterized victory. I also went to Subway.

After falling down three flights of stairs and two glass ceilings, Dr. Phil landed awkwardly on a sawhorse.

When asked if he was OK, Dr. Phil said, “If I had a laser cannon, that T-Rex wouldn’t be so cocky.”

I believe it was the French Post-Impressionist Paul Gauguin who said, “Paint with your eyes closed to see the truth. Paint with lasers to see what it’s like to listen to Dubstep in an art studio.”

Star Trek has phasers. Star Wars has blasters. The Joe Crowley Student Union is the only one that has lasers.

Laser tag is really fun as long as it’s not the kind of Laser tag that involves chasing the guy from American Gladiators.

Nevada: the state with such liberal gun laws that the university’s student union has laser fights.

If you have never tried laser tag then you are a fool. It is as much fun as an adult as it is as a child. Friday, February 8, 2013 from 8p-11p there will be FREE LASER TAG in the Joe Crowley Student Union. On that day, during those 3 hours, there will be no better way, in the city of Reno, to relieve stress, have fun, or play with space weapons.

*all quotes and stories about celebrities in this blog were made up. That means you can’t sue #DisclaimerCopOut